Routines are in place

So I spent most of the morning working on some new routines. I even made routines for the kids and have gotten to the point of needing to get myself showered, dressed and pretty. Erek is in the shower right now so I thought now would be a good time to catch up here.

I have an announcement! I have given up soda! I haven't had a soda since Friday morning. That is a huge accomplishment for me! I drank soda like dogs drink water. I'm pretty darn proud of myself. If I can do this I can do anything I guess. I've been drinking crystal lite instead. I am not a water person so I either have to have flavored water or something close to crystal lite, juice, or milk.

I know it's just the first hour of my new routines but so far the kids are cared for and dressed, except the baby but it's really hot here so I just have him in a diaper. But he's fed and playing nicely! Here is my new routine and the kid's routines.

Natalee's Early Morning Routine

Wake

Go to the bathroom

Take meds

Alexander's Early Morning Routine

Nikolas's Early Morning Routine

Andrew's Early Morning

Shower

Dress

Swish & swipe shower, toilet, and sink

Brush hair

Dry hair

Brush teeth

Do make up

Gather laundry

Start laundry

Unload dishwasher

Load dishwasher

Load dishwasher

Feed Alex

Alexander's Early Morning Routine

(to be done by Natalee)

Wake

Change diaper

Make bottle

Eat

Get Alexander dressed

Nikolas's Early Morning Routine

(to be done by Natalee)

Wake

Change diaper

Get Nikolas dressed

Eat breakfast

Make bed

Andrew's Early Morning Routine

Wake

Make bed

Get dressed

Brush teeth

Eat breakfast

Take meds

Check backpack (Monday - Friday only)

Get ready for school (Monday - Friday only)

Take Andrew to school (Monday - Friday only)

Natalee's Mid-Morning Routine

Focus Cleaning

Laundry

Natalee's Afternoon Routine

Declutter closet floor

Make bed

Declutter master bedroom floor

Declutter entryway floor

Sweep entryway floor

Wetjet entryway floor

Clean highchair

Declutter table

Clean table

Declutter dining room floor

Sweep dining room floor

Wetjet dining room floor

Declutter living room floor

Sweep living room floor

Wetjet living room floor

Declutter counters

Clean counters

Clean stove

Declutter kitchen floor

Sweep kitchen floor

Wetjet kitchen floor

Declutter garage entryway floor

Sweep garage entryway floor

Wetjet garage entryway floor

Clean sink in 1/2 bathroom

Swish toilet in 1/2 bathroom

Sweep 1/2 bathroom floor

Wetjet 1/2 bathroom floor

Natalee's Evening Routine

Make dinner

Eat dinner

Put leftovers away

Unload dishwasher

Load dishwasher

Declutter counters

Clean counters

Clean stove

Declutter floor

Sweep floor

Wetjet

Clean table

Nikolas's Evening Routine

Put toys away in playroom

Declutter family room floor

Andrew's Evening Routine

Clear table

Put toys away in playroom

Declutter family room floor

Alexander's Before Bed Routine

(to be done by Natalee)

Give Alex a bath

Get diaper on Alex

Get Alex in pajamas

Make bottle for Alex

Put Alex in swing

Nikolas's Before Bed Routine

Declutter bedroom floor

Give Nikolas a bath

Get diaper on Nikolas

Have Nikolas brush his teeth

Read Nikolas a story

Tuck Nikolas in

Andrew's Before Bed Routine

Declutter bedroom floor

Take a bath/shower

Brush teeth

Get pajamas on

Read Andrew a story

Tuck Andrew in

Natalee's Before Bed Routine

Shine sink

Lay out clothes for tomorrow

Get Andrew ready for school

Make to-do list for tomorrow

Take a bath

Get pajamas on

Brush teeth

Post on blog

Watch news

Read

Focus Cleaning

Monday - Office, Upstairs Bathroom, Andrew's Room, Nikolas's Room, Alex's Room, Hallway, Stairway

Tuesday - Master Closet, Master Bathroom, Master Bedroom

Wednesday - Front Entryway, Dining Room, Living Room, Kitchen

Thursday - 1/2 Bathroom, Garage Entryway, Laundry Room, Stairway

Friday - Playroom, Family Room, Hallway

Saturday - Brandon's Room, Mackenzie's Room, Basement Bathroom

Sunday - Garage, Vehicles, Porches, Yard

I really think if I can stick to this plan things around this house will run so much smoother and look so much better! Well Erek is outta the shower now so I'd better keep moving today. I'll let ya know how day 1 goes tonight before bed.

It worked...He's trying!!

I haven't written in a few days because I wanted to get my thoughts together. I am so happy to announce that my letter worked! He's willing to give us a chance. He said he's still unsure about all of this but is willing to give it another shot! I can see my future so clearly now! I am going to do everything I can, read every book I can find to show this man that I love him dearly every day. I am going to give this man the world. There is no going back now! I could tell that my letter got him thinking the nite he read it when he didn't feel like going to play poker. I just don't know how to put all of my thoughts into words! I am going to start by becoming a better mother and homemaker! That in turn will allow me more time to spend with my children and the love of my life. I will do everything to try to make this house a home! A haven that he can come home to every day. A place that he wants to come home to! I will do my damnest to get the laundry done up, and the house company ready every day. I will make sure I am as romantic every day as I possibly can be. From cards, to letters, to poems, gifts, and just spending time with him! I want to learn so much about him. His hopes, dreams, fears, thoughts and feelings. Maybe I'll start by getting a movie for us to watch tonight and just holding him in my arms...or a bubble bath together! I need to start taking better care of the outside of our yard as well. Getting the flower beds weeded and the porches cleaned up. Getting the stuff in the garage unpacked and organized! I want to do everything for this man that I have failed to do the last 6 years of our marriage. I can't believe we're going to make it to our 8th wedding anniversary in just a few short months! Well I'd better get busy on taking care of my family, home and marriage. I want him to see a big difference when he wakes up from his nap! I'll try to write more tonight once the kids are in bed, if I have time...I might be spending it with my hubby tho!

Not looking good...

So he read it, sitting in the front seat of the Tahoe on the way to our OB appointment. He hasn't said a word to me about it...however my aunt was with us at the doc appointment, then we came home, and he got in the shower and had to leave to pick Mackenzie and Andrew up from school. I poured my heart and soul into this man, especially for the past month and a half and this is what I get in return. Now I know what I've done is awful but don't you think that with me trying so hard that it says something. Apparently my thoughts and feelings don't matter to him. If that's the case then I need to move on for good. There is no looking back. He has until the end of the nite to talk to me about things or I'm going to start moving on. It will be hard! I love this man so much that it hurts. The thought of losing him makes it hard to eat and sleep. I stay up until all hours of the nite waiting for him to come home from work. Then I get up with the kids in the mornings so he can get some sleep. He also asked me if I would pick up Mackenzie for him after school tomorrow. So he can talk and be nice to me when he wants something. I'm starting to feel used. I really want to tell him that I can't and come up with some lame excuse but I guess I'll just have to be honest with him and say I won't do it. I shouldn't because of how cold he's been towards me the last month and a half. I hope that letter at least got him thinking, but if that were the case he should have said he was thinking and needed some time before talking. *Sigh* I believe that I have lost my husband for good, but I'm glad to know this now so that I can move on. I need to focus on my children, my house, and the baby I'm carrying. I guess there's no time like the present to carry on. The tears will come later after the shock of him being done wears off. Let's just hope I can keep myself out of a low while I'm learning to cope without him. This just kills me, but I know I did everything I could to save us. He's the one who's giving up too soon, not me. I hope he can live with this decision for the rest of his life. Well I guess the only place to go from here is up...atleast I won't be living in limbo anymore. I just feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him to give him his space. If space is what he truly wants, then space is what he is going to get. All hope is gone. I tried my very best. I know I realized things, apparently, a little too late and really the only person I can blame for that is myself. But I did everything I could to get him to stay and he just isn't having it. Well here's to the rest of my life. I'm going to work on cleaning, maybe it will act as therapy for me. Here comes the depression already...Sigh...

Am I ready?

Am I ready for his answer? Am I prepared mentally and emotionally for him to walk away? What am I going to do if he does walk away from me. There is so much I need to think about on both sides of this. If he decides to stay I know what I need to do. That'll be easy to show him how much I love him. How much I want to spend time with him. How much I want to give him the rest of my life. But what if he still decides to walk away from me. I will be heartbroken, devastated, depressed. I know that tears will come and probably for awhile...but it's not fair to me or the kids to be living like this. They deserve to be in a home that is full of love and health. I want them to know that a marriage can be wonderful but it takes effort. For the past 6 years my effort in this marriage has been missing. I am willing to put forth effort every second of every day forever! I need to get myself prepared for him walking away. I need to expect it but hope that he decides to stay. I love him so much. I need to get my ducks in a row so to speak. I will need to be strong for my children, but still be able to show and tell them that mommy is upset for a good reason. They need to know that being able to show emotions is okay. That giving yourself up to another person is worth it. I know Erek is worth all of this and this is why I'm putting my heart on the line. We could have the world together. We could conquer all of our hopes and dreams together. I just don't know why he's not seeing it, or letting himself see it like that. What am I going to do financially if he walks away. I guess I will have to go to DHS tomorrow and file for assistance. I will still need to provide for my children and make sure that their lives continue on as normal as possible. I know that if he walks away I will become dead inside. My kids will be my only reason for being. Am I going to be able to handle being a single mom of 4 kids? Will I be able to handle it. Of course I will step up to the plate and take care of them. Really the only difference will be having to take all of the children with me when I go places. I just want him to choose our marriage so badly. I want him to really think about what he'll be giving up. I want him to think about what he will be putting all of us through in order for him to be happy, when I know me and the boys could make him happy for the rest of his life. It will be hard for awhile I'm sure...a true adjustment but will I be able to handle him walking away mentally and emotionally. Mentally I think I'll be okay. I'll be hard on myself for the first little while, but will go on the fact that I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to save our relationship. Emotionally, I'm not sure if I can handle him walking away. It rocks me to the core just imagining him leaving me. My heart will be broken, my mind will go constantly. I won't be able to get it to shut up. But in the end I think this is what needs to be done. We either need to move on and learn to live without each other completely, or we both need to be committed and work past this together. I can't fix it by myself or without him. Right now he is here but not here. He doesn't say two words to me...won't stand in the same room with me. If he's going to continue to be so cold towards me he needs to go so that I can mend my broken heart and move on. I know that I will always be in love with this man. He is a part of me and always will be. He is a part of our children and I will always be able to see him through them. I just want things to be different, better, wonderful so badly. I know we can get there but we both need to be at least willing. I guess I just hope he chooses me and keeping our family and marriage together over anything else. But I need to prepare myself for the worst. I will leave it up to fate. Fate please be nice to me. I know I have a lot of soul searching that I need to do, but I need a reason to do it. I think Erek is my reason! Guess I'll have my answer soon.

The Letter...This is it...

So I wrote Erek another letter tonight and I will be waiting up to give it to him when he gets home from work... Here is what I wrote. Warning it's LONG.

Erek,

There is so much I want to say to you still, so this is a continuation of my last letter to you. Please bare with me as I'm learning how to express my feelings. Here goes! Erek the thought of you not being here physically, emotionally has me terrified. It rocks me to the core just thinking about it. I don't know how I would handle it. You and the kids are the reason I get out of bed each morning. When I do get up and numerous times a day I think to myself what I can do to make your day easier. It is my motivation. You and the kids are my reason for being. I live to please you! Another issue that I have running through my thoughts constantly is how to give you the space you asked for while SHOWING you that I love you. I'm struggling with this every second. I would give just about anything to hold you and show you how much I love you. I know that's not what you want right now so I won't do it. I want to hold your hand, I want to gaze into your eyes, I want to hear your thoughts and dreams and tell you mine. I want you to be proud to say I'm your wife. I know that I have a lot to do, but I can't do it by myself. I want to become a different person for you. I want to do this with you by my side, with your support. I will not be able to do this without you. I need you! I need you here with me to work through these changes. I need to know you at least care about me. I don't expect you to love me right now, but at least show me you care enough to help me. Maybe? I know I need to earn your love back and I will do whatever it takes to do so. This is killing me. How long have you been not in love with me? I have so many questions. I just don't understand. I need to understand. There is still so much hope for us. We're both still here and that has to mean something. I know you didn't give up in the past so why now when we have a chance to be happy together. I know you gave everything you had to this relationship and I neglected that but it just doesn't make sense as to why your done when I'm so ready to give you the kind of love you were hoping for. Are you saying that besides the boys, the the last 7 (almost 8) years were a mistake? I just can't believe you are done now. It just can't be over. I won't let it be over! Not when I can see our future together so clearly. I can see us sitting together at the baby's (Logan, I think) high school graduation. I can see us celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary together as a happily married couple. I know you can see those things and many more too? Are you really ready to give all of that up? If you are then I guess you really are done, if not them let me show you till death do us part! I don't expect anything from you right now, I just want a chance to show you that we can have a future together! That we can both love each other together, at the same time. We can do anything, its all about choice. You can chose to give up completely or you can chose to stay. If you are truly giving up at least I can say that I did everything I possibly could to save this marriage. Are you will to say that you did nothing when there was a chance to save us? I know all you did was give and love me for the past 6 years, you can't be willing to give up all of that effort, especially when there is hope. I'm so sorry if you are. You have worked so hard on this relationship, don't waste it now! Now for the mushy stuff. There are so many ways I want to show you that I love you! I want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do every day. I could tell you every second that I love you, that you are all I think about. I want to huge you everytime you come home. I want to kiss you in front of the whole world. I want to spend time with you watching movies or just cuddling. I want to go on romantic weekend getaways and trips to foreign countries. I want to see the world together. A lot of the things I want to do to show you are physical. I want to give you backrubs and foot rubs. I want to take bubble baths together. I want to make love to you under the stars. I want to take showers with you. I want to please you every way I can. I want to taste you! I want to give you please when you are driving, like I used to! A lot of what I want is listening to you voice when you talk to me. When you tell me what's on your mind. I want to know your thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears. I want to know your dreams and goals. I want to be the person you confide in. I want us to be best friends.

I know I can't fix the past and what I've put you through but I can promise you an amazing future, with me. I want to make this house a haven for you to come home to. It's what motivated me today. I've been a lousy homemaker. I know this issue isn't the most important thing I need to change but it's one of the things I can change now and know how to. The most important things I need to change is what kind of mother, wife, and stepmother I am. I have some good ideas on how to change those though they are just not going to be enough. I know what I need to start, I think. I know there is a lot more I need to change internally, I can just feel it. I want to do a complete personality makeover but where do I start? This is just one of the reasons why I need you so much! How many things do I need to change? What are they? What traits do I have that I shouldn't change? Are there any? This is why I need your help and support. I know I can ask you this and you'll answer me honestly, and because you know me so well. I want to know you as well as you know me. If I lose you I will be on empty and will have no motivation to carry on and complete these changes.

I found an old email you sent me a few years ago. I was an idiot, that email should have opened my eyes! However, in that email you wrote "I will always be here for you Natalee" and now you aren't. Now you aren't here for me at all. I know I put you through hell in the past and I'm sorry for that, but it kinda makes me think that what you have said in the past wasn't as true as it shoulda been. That this was all a waste. You have been so cold and distant lately. I know you say you are done, then why are you still here? You've seen me sob for hours about this and you don't seem to care at all. You could have at least asked what was wrong! Even a friend would do that. It's like you hate me so much that you are being cruel on purpose. Geez, I know I hurt you in the past but we are going to be in each other's lives until one of us passes away of the kids, whether you are done or not. And it's not like my cheating was recent either. I'd still give anything to take it back but I can't, I just don't understand how you went from loving me and buying a house together to hating me in a month's time. There has to be a reason for your recent change of heart!

I guess what I'm saying is that I love you with everything I have and have a million thoughts and questions about this. I could go on for many more pages. I know we can be happy again like when we were dating, on our wedding day, and for the majority of our first year of marriage. Don't give up on use yet! There is still an us until you are gone physically too. I hope you chose to save this marriage with me. No matter what know that I will always be in love with you and care about you, even if I don't like how you acting, which is kinda the case right now. We can't keep living in limbo like this. If you are truly done, which I hope your not, then you need to move out if you are going to do everything you can to save this marriage so you CAN say that you tried everything you could to save us then wake me up tonight and really talk to me or even just write me an email or letter in response. Tho I'd rather you wake me up. If you do nothing I will assume that you are moving out and I'll be served with divorce papers in the near future. If you are truly done then man up and walk away. If you're not done, which I pray is the case then I'll be waiting for you to wake me up. We just can't be living like we are, it's not fair to either of use or any of the kids. I DO love you, and can't wait for you to wake me up. I hope your ready to be loved like you deserve!

Your wife,

Natalee

Learning...

Well I didn't do anything the other nite to prepare for the birthday party like I should have. I was just so tired that I went to bed...I got up in the morning and got busy. Our party guests got here earlier than I had planned on so the house wasn't ready. I was so embarassed. I was in the middle of decluttering the messy living room floor when they all arrived. I didn't get to the dining room, entry or my bedroom in time. I was rather disapointed in myself because of it. But I put my game face on and the birthday party was a lot of fun. Nikolas loved opening his presents and eating his cake and ice cream. This taught me a good lesson that Nikolas just wants to have fun, not have a clean house so that made me feel better.

I'm kinda down about how things are going between Erek and I. I just don't get it! He avoids me at all costs, hardly says two words to me, and won't even sleep next to me. I'm going to sit down with him tomorrow and talk to him about the letter I wrote him the other day. Maybe I'll write another one tonight and have it waiting for him. I'm thinking about making a scrapbook with some love poems and such in it for him. Then I would also like to get some pictures from my MIL of Erek throughout his life and making him a scrapbook as well. I know I'm giving him the space he is asking for but for how long do I give him space. I can't just sit back and let him ignore me...that's no way to live. I know I can make him happy again and I will do everything in my power to show him that.

As far as today goes, I slept in and had a hard time waking up. I was so tired. I have since then gotten very busy. I have cleaned the entryway, 1/2 bathroom, kitchen, living room and dining room...I have also done 2 or 3 loads of laundry. It feels great having my house looking so good. I just need to do the front entryway, my bedroom, my bathroom, and the closet and the main level will be looking fantastic. I hope to have it all done before Erek gets home from work. I do have all of my shows on tonight and it's the season finales for all of them. I think I will use that time to scrapbook the love poems and quotes for Erek.

Anyway I need to serve the kids dinner, it's starting to get late. I'll post more tonight before I go to bed hopefully.

Getting ready for the birthday party

I have so much to do tonight and it's a tad...okay very...overwhelming. I have the whole upstairs and main floor to straighten and/or clean and tons of laundry to do. It's weighing me down and making it hard to get motivated. This is the part about housework that I struggle with the most. I need to start just sucking it up and doing it whether I want to or not. So I thought that would make a good blog post. By getting it all out of my head, maybe I can get motivated to get it all done. Nikolas deserves to have a birthday party in a clean house and I WILL give that to my son. I have my list made and ready to go but up first is making Andrew's bed and getting his room straightened and vacuumed. Being so pregnant makes me dread making beds and having to bend down to declutter his floor. I think that's what is holding me back the most. So how do I overcome my lack of motivation at this moment? I will start by babystepping it...I will get Andrew's room done. Andrew and Nikolas are both "sleeping" in Nikolas's room tonight. They just do not go to sleep well when sleeping in the same room. So I will have to wait on cleaning Nikolas's bedroom till tomorrow morning. His room really isn't all that bad, just needs the bed made, floor decluttered and vacuumed.

I guess what is going to motivate me is thinking about my family, Erek included of course. These boys mean the world to me and Erek works so hard for us! He deserves to come home to a clean and straightened house! I want to surprise him with that when he walks in the door tonight from work. Maybe he won't even notice and that's okay...he'll feel the difference. My husband deserves so much and I WILL give him what he needs. I know my primary love language is "acts of service" and that's how I show my love for my family. That should be enough to get my ass out of this chair and go do it, but I struggle with it so bad!

Well if I am going to truly change to become a better person/homemaker I have to start now. Not tomorrow or next week but now! I did so well this morning and I'm learning that the mornings and late evenings are my most productive times. It's just about dark out now so maybe I'll get a second wind. I wish my nesting instinct would have kicked in an hour ago! I need to get myself jump started...I need my battery recharged. I WILL do this for my kids and my husband! There's no time like the present! Here's to me becoming a better person and homemaker for my children and my wonderful husband!