What Have I Done?

How could I have been so foolish. How could I have not seen what was right in front of my eyes. I've been married for 7 years to a wonderful man...a man that I have taken for granted. I have completely destroyed this marriage. I don't blame Erek for wanting to walk away. I don't blame him for falling out of love with me...I can really and truly only blame myself. The things I have done in this relationship to him are just selfish. I was so selfish and he paid the price for my actions and lack there of. I would give anything right now to take everything back and do things differently. Lying about the smoking, cheating on him numerous times, going out every nite instead of being at home with him where I should have been. I regret not learning more about the man I love so dearly. I regret not spending more time with him. He's a wonderful man, father, and husband. I shake my head every few minutes at how stupid I was. I had the world, the love of an amazing man and I took advantage of it. He never asked for much in return and that's the part that kills me. All he wanted was me, the true me, and I couldn't even give that to him.

The last month has really made me reflect on myself. I have been so careless with such a precious thing. I really need to learn to become a different person before I will even have a chance of mending our relationship. I need to become a better wife and mother. I need to stop being so damn selfish and cold hearted. I need to let my guard down and really put myself out there for my kids and for Erek. I know I have so much to change about who I am and how I am towards other people but how do I do that. Where do I start? Do I change everything all at once...or work on one issue and then work on another. I guess the best person to ask would be Erek but he says he wants his space. I can totally understand him wanting his space. I would too if he had treated me the way I treated him. Maybe I'll ask him to turn on his messanger so he can help me on this journey. I'll let you know what he says.