The Letter...This is it...

So I wrote Erek another letter tonight and I will be waiting up to give it to him when he gets home from work... Here is what I wrote. Warning it's LONG.

Erek,

There is so much I want to say to you still, so this is a continuation of my last letter to you. Please bare with me as I'm learning how to express my feelings. Here goes! Erek the thought of you not being here physically, emotionally has me terrified. It rocks me to the core just thinking about it. I don't know how I would handle it. You and the kids are the reason I get out of bed each morning. When I do get up and numerous times a day I think to myself what I can do to make your day easier. It is my motivation. You and the kids are my reason for being. I live to please you! Another issue that I have running through my thoughts constantly is how to give you the space you asked for while SHOWING you that I love you. I'm struggling with this every second. I would give just about anything to hold you and show you how much I love you. I know that's not what you want right now so I won't do it. I want to hold your hand, I want to gaze into your eyes, I want to hear your thoughts and dreams and tell you mine. I want you to be proud to say I'm your wife. I know that I have a lot to do, but I can't do it by myself. I want to become a different person for you. I want to do this with you by my side, with your support. I will not be able to do this without you. I need you! I need you here with me to work through these changes. I need to know you at least care about me. I don't expect you to love me right now, but at least show me you care enough to help me. Maybe? I know I need to earn your love back and I will do whatever it takes to do so. This is killing me. How long have you been not in love with me? I have so many questions. I just don't understand. I need to understand. There is still so much hope for us. We're both still here and that has to mean something. I know you didn't give up in the past so why now when we have a chance to be happy together. I know you gave everything you had to this relationship and I neglected that but it just doesn't make sense as to why your done when I'm so ready to give you the kind of love you were hoping for. Are you saying that besides the boys, the the last 7 (almost 8) years were a mistake? I just can't believe you are done now. It just can't be over. I won't let it be over! Not when I can see our future together so clearly. I can see us sitting together at the baby's (Logan, I think) high school graduation. I can see us celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary together as a happily married couple. I know you can see those things and many more too? Are you really ready to give all of that up? If you are then I guess you really are done, if not them let me show you till death do us part! I don't expect anything from you right now, I just want a chance to show you that we can have a future together! That we can both love each other together, at the same time. We can do anything, its all about choice. You can chose to give up completely or you can chose to stay. If you are truly giving up at least I can say that I did everything I possibly could to save this marriage. Are you will to say that you did nothing when there was a chance to save us? I know all you did was give and love me for the past 6 years, you can't be willing to give up all of that effort, especially when there is hope. I'm so sorry if you are. You have worked so hard on this relationship, don't waste it now! Now for the mushy stuff. There are so many ways I want to show you that I love you! I want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do every day. I could tell you every second that I love you, that you are all I think about. I want to huge you everytime you come home. I want to kiss you in front of the whole world. I want to spend time with you watching movies or just cuddling. I want to go on romantic weekend getaways and trips to foreign countries. I want to see the world together. A lot of the things I want to do to show you are physical. I want to give you backrubs and foot rubs. I want to take bubble baths together. I want to make love to you under the stars. I want to take showers with you. I want to please you every way I can. I want to taste you! I want to give you please when you are driving, like I used to! A lot of what I want is listening to you voice when you talk to me. When you tell me what's on your mind. I want to know your thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears. I want to know your dreams and goals. I want to be the person you confide in. I want us to be best friends.

I know I can't fix the past and what I've put you through but I can promise you an amazing future, with me. I want to make this house a haven for you to come home to. It's what motivated me today. I've been a lousy homemaker. I know this issue isn't the most important thing I need to change but it's one of the things I can change now and know how to. The most important things I need to change is what kind of mother, wife, and stepmother I am. I have some good ideas on how to change those though they are just not going to be enough. I know what I need to start, I think. I know there is a lot more I need to change internally, I can just feel it. I want to do a complete personality makeover but where do I start? This is just one of the reasons why I need you so much! How many things do I need to change? What are they? What traits do I have that I shouldn't change? Are there any? This is why I need your help and support. I know I can ask you this and you'll answer me honestly, and because you know me so well. I want to know you as well as you know me. If I lose you I will be on empty and will have no motivation to carry on and complete these changes.

I found an old email you sent me a few years ago. I was an idiot, that email should have opened my eyes! However, in that email you wrote "I will always be here for you Natalee" and now you aren't. Now you aren't here for me at all. I know I put you through hell in the past and I'm sorry for that, but it kinda makes me think that what you have said in the past wasn't as true as it shoulda been. That this was all a waste. You have been so cold and distant lately. I know you say you are done, then why are you still here? You've seen me sob for hours about this and you don't seem to care at all. You could have at least asked what was wrong! Even a friend would do that. It's like you hate me so much that you are being cruel on purpose. Geez, I know I hurt you in the past but we are going to be in each other's lives until one of us passes away of the kids, whether you are done or not. And it's not like my cheating was recent either. I'd still give anything to take it back but I can't, I just don't understand how you went from loving me and buying a house together to hating me in a month's time. There has to be a reason for your recent change of heart!

I guess what I'm saying is that I love you with everything I have and have a million thoughts and questions about this. I could go on for many more pages. I know we can be happy again like when we were dating, on our wedding day, and for the majority of our first year of marriage. Don't give up on use yet! There is still an us until you are gone physically too. I hope you chose to save this marriage with me. No matter what know that I will always be in love with you and care about you, even if I don't like how you acting, which is kinda the case right now. We can't keep living in limbo like this. If you are truly done, which I hope your not, then you need to move out if you are going to do everything you can to save this marriage so you CAN say that you tried everything you could to save us then wake me up tonight and really talk to me or even just write me an email or letter in response. Tho I'd rather you wake me up. If you do nothing I will assume that you are moving out and I'll be served with divorce papers in the near future. If you are truly done then man up and walk away. If you're not done, which I pray is the case then I'll be waiting for you to wake me up. We just can't be living like we are, it's not fair to either of use or any of the kids. I DO love you, and can't wait for you to wake me up. I hope your ready to be loved like you deserve!

Your wife,

Natalee