Am I ready?

Am I ready for his answer? Am I prepared mentally and emotionally for him to walk away? What am I going to do if he does walk away from me. There is so much I need to think about on both sides of this. If he decides to stay I know what I need to do. That'll be easy to show him how much I love him. How much I want to spend time with him. How much I want to give him the rest of my life. But what if he still decides to walk away from me. I will be heartbroken, devastated, depressed. I know that tears will come and probably for awhile...but it's not fair to me or the kids to be living like this. They deserve to be in a home that is full of love and health. I want them to know that a marriage can be wonderful but it takes effort. For the past 6 years my effort in this marriage has been missing. I am willing to put forth effort every second of every day forever! I need to get myself prepared for him walking away. I need to expect it but hope that he decides to stay. I love him so much. I need to get my ducks in a row so to speak. I will need to be strong for my children, but still be able to show and tell them that mommy is upset for a good reason. They need to know that being able to show emotions is okay. That giving yourself up to another person is worth it. I know Erek is worth all of this and this is why I'm putting my heart on the line. We could have the world together. We could conquer all of our hopes and dreams together. I just don't know why he's not seeing it, or letting himself see it like that. What am I going to do financially if he walks away. I guess I will have to go to DHS tomorrow and file for assistance. I will still need to provide for my children and make sure that their lives continue on as normal as possible. I know that if he walks away I will become dead inside. My kids will be my only reason for being. Am I going to be able to handle being a single mom of 4 kids? Will I be able to handle it. Of course I will step up to the plate and take care of them. Really the only difference will be having to take all of the children with me when I go places. I just want him to choose our marriage so badly. I want him to really think about what he'll be giving up. I want him to think about what he will be putting all of us through in order for him to be happy, when I know me and the boys could make him happy for the rest of his life. It will be hard for awhile I'm sure...a true adjustment but will I be able to handle him walking away mentally and emotionally. Mentally I think I'll be okay. I'll be hard on myself for the first little while, but will go on the fact that I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to save our relationship. Emotionally, I'm not sure if I can handle him walking away. It rocks me to the core just imagining him leaving me. My heart will be broken, my mind will go constantly. I won't be able to get it to shut up. But in the end I think this is what needs to be done. We either need to move on and learn to live without each other completely, or we both need to be committed and work past this together. I can't fix it by myself or without him. Right now he is here but not here. He doesn't say two words to me...won't stand in the same room with me. If he's going to continue to be so cold towards me he needs to go so that I can mend my broken heart and move on. I know that I will always be in love with this man. He is a part of me and always will be. He is a part of our children and I will always be able to see him through them. I just want things to be different, better, wonderful so badly. I know we can get there but we both need to be at least willing. I guess I just hope he chooses me and keeping our family and marriage together over anything else. But I need to prepare myself for the worst. I will leave it up to fate. Fate please be nice to me. I know I have a lot of soul searching that I need to do, but I need a reason to do it. I think Erek is my reason! Guess I'll have my answer soon.