Routines are in place

So I spent most of the morning working on some new routines. I even made routines for the kids and have gotten to the point of needing to get myself showered, dressed and pretty. Erek is in the shower right now so I thought now would be a good time to catch up here.

I have an announcement! I have given up soda! I haven't had a soda since Friday morning. That is a huge accomplishment for me! I drank soda like dogs drink water. I'm pretty darn proud of myself. If I can do this I can do anything I guess. I've been drinking crystal lite instead. I am not a water person so I either have to have flavored water or something close to crystal lite, juice, or milk.

I know it's just the first hour of my new routines but so far the kids are cared for and dressed, except the baby but it's really hot here so I just have him in a diaper. But he's fed and playing nicely! Here is my new routine and the kid's routines.

Natalee's Early Morning Routine

Wake

Go to the bathroom

Take meds

Alexander's Early Morning Routine

Nikolas's Early Morning Routine

Andrew's Early Morning

Shower

Dress

Swish & swipe shower, toilet, and sink

Brush hair

Dry hair

Brush teeth

Do make up

Gather laundry

Start laundry

Unload dishwasher

Load dishwasher

Load dishwasher

Feed Alex

Alexander's Early Morning Routine

(to be done by Natalee)

Wake

Change diaper

Make bottle

Eat

Get Alexander dressed

Nikolas's Early Morning Routine

(to be done by Natalee)

Wake

Change diaper

Get Nikolas dressed

Eat breakfast

Make bed

Andrew's Early Morning Routine

Wake

Make bed

Get dressed

Brush teeth

Eat breakfast

Take meds

Check backpack (Monday - Friday only)

Get ready for school (Monday - Friday only)

Take Andrew to school (Monday - Friday only)

Natalee's Mid-Morning Routine

Focus Cleaning

Laundry

Natalee's Afternoon Routine

Declutter closet floor

Make bed

Declutter master bedroom floor

Declutter entryway floor

Sweep entryway floor

Wetjet entryway floor

Clean highchair

Declutter table

Clean table

Declutter dining room floor

Sweep dining room floor

Wetjet dining room floor

Declutter living room floor

Sweep living room floor

Wetjet living room floor

Declutter counters

Clean counters

Clean stove

Declutter kitchen floor

Sweep kitchen floor

Wetjet kitchen floor

Declutter garage entryway floor

Sweep garage entryway floor

Wetjet garage entryway floor

Clean sink in 1/2 bathroom

Swish toilet in 1/2 bathroom

Sweep 1/2 bathroom floor

Wetjet 1/2 bathroom floor

Natalee's Evening Routine

Make dinner

Eat dinner

Put leftovers away

Unload dishwasher

Load dishwasher

Declutter counters

Clean counters

Clean stove

Declutter floor

Sweep floor

Wetjet

Clean table

Nikolas's Evening Routine

Put toys away in playroom

Declutter family room floor

Andrew's Evening Routine

Clear table

Put toys away in playroom

Declutter family room floor

Alexander's Before Bed Routine

(to be done by Natalee)

Give Alex a bath

Get diaper on Alex

Get Alex in pajamas

Make bottle for Alex

Put Alex in swing

Nikolas's Before Bed Routine

Declutter bedroom floor

Give Nikolas a bath

Get diaper on Nikolas

Have Nikolas brush his teeth

Read Nikolas a story

Tuck Nikolas in

Andrew's Before Bed Routine

Declutter bedroom floor

Take a bath/shower

Brush teeth

Get pajamas on

Read Andrew a story

Tuck Andrew in

Natalee's Before Bed Routine

Shine sink

Lay out clothes for tomorrow

Get Andrew ready for school

Make to-do list for tomorrow

Take a bath

Get pajamas on

Brush teeth

Post on blog

Watch news

Read

Focus Cleaning

Monday - Office, Upstairs Bathroom, Andrew's Room, Nikolas's Room, Alex's Room, Hallway, Stairway

Tuesday - Master Closet, Master Bathroom, Master Bedroom

Wednesday - Front Entryway, Dining Room, Living Room, Kitchen

Thursday - 1/2 Bathroom, Garage Entryway, Laundry Room, Stairway

Friday - Playroom, Family Room, Hallway

Saturday - Brandon's Room, Mackenzie's Room, Basement Bathroom

Sunday - Garage, Vehicles, Porches, Yard

I really think if I can stick to this plan things around this house will run so much smoother and look so much better! Well Erek is outta the shower now so I'd better keep moving today. I'll let ya know how day 1 goes tonight before bed.

It worked...He's trying!!

I haven't written in a few days because I wanted to get my thoughts together. I am so happy to announce that my letter worked! He's willing to give us a chance. He said he's still unsure about all of this but is willing to give it another shot! I can see my future so clearly now! I am going to do everything I can, read every book I can find to show this man that I love him dearly every day. I am going to give this man the world. There is no going back now! I could tell that my letter got him thinking the nite he read it when he didn't feel like going to play poker. I just don't know how to put all of my thoughts into words! I am going to start by becoming a better mother and homemaker! That in turn will allow me more time to spend with my children and the love of my life. I will do everything to try to make this house a home! A haven that he can come home to every day. A place that he wants to come home to! I will do my damnest to get the laundry done up, and the house company ready every day. I will make sure I am as romantic every day as I possibly can be. From cards, to letters, to poems, gifts, and just spending time with him! I want to learn so much about him. His hopes, dreams, fears, thoughts and feelings. Maybe I'll start by getting a movie for us to watch tonight and just holding him in my arms...or a bubble bath together! I need to start taking better care of the outside of our yard as well. Getting the flower beds weeded and the porches cleaned up. Getting the stuff in the garage unpacked and organized! I want to do everything for this man that I have failed to do the last 6 years of our marriage. I can't believe we're going to make it to our 8th wedding anniversary in just a few short months! Well I'd better get busy on taking care of my family, home and marriage. I want him to see a big difference when he wakes up from his nap! I'll try to write more tonight once the kids are in bed, if I have time...I might be spending it with my hubby tho!

Not looking good...

So he read it, sitting in the front seat of the Tahoe on the way to our OB appointment. He hasn't said a word to me about it...however my aunt was with us at the doc appointment, then we came home, and he got in the shower and had to leave to pick Mackenzie and Andrew up from school. I poured my heart and soul into this man, especially for the past month and a half and this is what I get in return. Now I know what I've done is awful but don't you think that with me trying so hard that it says something. Apparently my thoughts and feelings don't matter to him. If that's the case then I need to move on for good. There is no looking back. He has until the end of the nite to talk to me about things or I'm going to start moving on. It will be hard! I love this man so much that it hurts. The thought of losing him makes it hard to eat and sleep. I stay up until all hours of the nite waiting for him to come home from work. Then I get up with the kids in the mornings so he can get some sleep. He also asked me if I would pick up Mackenzie for him after school tomorrow. So he can talk and be nice to me when he wants something. I'm starting to feel used. I really want to tell him that I can't and come up with some lame excuse but I guess I'll just have to be honest with him and say I won't do it. I shouldn't because of how cold he's been towards me the last month and a half. I hope that letter at least got him thinking, but if that were the case he should have said he was thinking and needed some time before talking. *Sigh* I believe that I have lost my husband for good, but I'm glad to know this now so that I can move on. I need to focus on my children, my house, and the baby I'm carrying. I guess there's no time like the present to carry on. The tears will come later after the shock of him being done wears off. Let's just hope I can keep myself out of a low while I'm learning to cope without him. This just kills me, but I know I did everything I could to save us. He's the one who's giving up too soon, not me. I hope he can live with this decision for the rest of his life. Well I guess the only place to go from here is up...atleast I won't be living in limbo anymore. I just feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him to give him his space. If space is what he truly wants, then space is what he is going to get. All hope is gone. I tried my very best. I know I realized things, apparently, a little too late and really the only person I can blame for that is myself. But I did everything I could to get him to stay and he just isn't having it. Well here's to the rest of my life. I'm going to work on cleaning, maybe it will act as therapy for me. Here comes the depression already...Sigh...

Am I ready?

Am I ready for his answer? Am I prepared mentally and emotionally for him to walk away? What am I going to do if he does walk away from me. There is so much I need to think about on both sides of this. If he decides to stay I know what I need to do. That'll be easy to show him how much I love him. How much I want to spend time with him. How much I want to give him the rest of my life. But what if he still decides to walk away from me. I will be heartbroken, devastated, depressed. I know that tears will come and probably for awhile...but it's not fair to me or the kids to be living like this. They deserve to be in a home that is full of love and health. I want them to know that a marriage can be wonderful but it takes effort. For the past 6 years my effort in this marriage has been missing. I am willing to put forth effort every second of every day forever! I need to get myself prepared for him walking away. I need to expect it but hope that he decides to stay. I love him so much. I need to get my ducks in a row so to speak. I will need to be strong for my children, but still be able to show and tell them that mommy is upset for a good reason. They need to know that being able to show emotions is okay. That giving yourself up to another person is worth it. I know Erek is worth all of this and this is why I'm putting my heart on the line. We could have the world together. We could conquer all of our hopes and dreams together. I just don't know why he's not seeing it, or letting himself see it like that. What am I going to do financially if he walks away. I guess I will have to go to DHS tomorrow and file for assistance. I will still need to provide for my children and make sure that their lives continue on as normal as possible. I know that if he walks away I will become dead inside. My kids will be my only reason for being. Am I going to be able to handle being a single mom of 4 kids? Will I be able to handle it. Of course I will step up to the plate and take care of them. Really the only difference will be having to take all of the children with me when I go places. I just want him to choose our marriage so badly. I want him to really think about what he'll be giving up. I want him to think about what he will be putting all of us through in order for him to be happy, when I know me and the boys could make him happy for the rest of his life. It will be hard for awhile I'm sure...a true adjustment but will I be able to handle him walking away mentally and emotionally. Mentally I think I'll be okay. I'll be hard on myself for the first little while, but will go on the fact that I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to save our relationship. Emotionally, I'm not sure if I can handle him walking away. It rocks me to the core just imagining him leaving me. My heart will be broken, my mind will go constantly. I won't be able to get it to shut up. But in the end I think this is what needs to be done. We either need to move on and learn to live without each other completely, or we both need to be committed and work past this together. I can't fix it by myself or without him. Right now he is here but not here. He doesn't say two words to me...won't stand in the same room with me. If he's going to continue to be so cold towards me he needs to go so that I can mend my broken heart and move on. I know that I will always be in love with this man. He is a part of me and always will be. He is a part of our children and I will always be able to see him through them. I just want things to be different, better, wonderful so badly. I know we can get there but we both need to be at least willing. I guess I just hope he chooses me and keeping our family and marriage together over anything else. But I need to prepare myself for the worst. I will leave it up to fate. Fate please be nice to me. I know I have a lot of soul searching that I need to do, but I need a reason to do it. I think Erek is my reason! Guess I'll have my answer soon.

The Letter...This is it...

So I wrote Erek another letter tonight and I will be waiting up to give it to him when he gets home from work... Here is what I wrote. Warning it's LONG.

Erek,

There is so much I want to say to you still, so this is a continuation of my last letter to you. Please bare with me as I'm learning how to express my feelings. Here goes! Erek the thought of you not being here physically, emotionally has me terrified. It rocks me to the core just thinking about it. I don't know how I would handle it. You and the kids are the reason I get out of bed each morning. When I do get up and numerous times a day I think to myself what I can do to make your day easier. It is my motivation. You and the kids are my reason for being. I live to please you! Another issue that I have running through my thoughts constantly is how to give you the space you asked for while SHOWING you that I love you. I'm struggling with this every second. I would give just about anything to hold you and show you how much I love you. I know that's not what you want right now so I won't do it. I want to hold your hand, I want to gaze into your eyes, I want to hear your thoughts and dreams and tell you mine. I want you to be proud to say I'm your wife. I know that I have a lot to do, but I can't do it by myself. I want to become a different person for you. I want to do this with you by my side, with your support. I will not be able to do this without you. I need you! I need you here with me to work through these changes. I need to know you at least care about me. I don't expect you to love me right now, but at least show me you care enough to help me. Maybe? I know I need to earn your love back and I will do whatever it takes to do so. This is killing me. How long have you been not in love with me? I have so many questions. I just don't understand. I need to understand. There is still so much hope for us. We're both still here and that has to mean something. I know you didn't give up in the past so why now when we have a chance to be happy together. I know you gave everything you had to this relationship and I neglected that but it just doesn't make sense as to why your done when I'm so ready to give you the kind of love you were hoping for. Are you saying that besides the boys, the the last 7 (almost 8) years were a mistake? I just can't believe you are done now. It just can't be over. I won't let it be over! Not when I can see our future together so clearly. I can see us sitting together at the baby's (Logan, I think) high school graduation. I can see us celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary together as a happily married couple. I know you can see those things and many more too? Are you really ready to give all of that up? If you are then I guess you really are done, if not them let me show you till death do us part! I don't expect anything from you right now, I just want a chance to show you that we can have a future together! That we can both love each other together, at the same time. We can do anything, its all about choice. You can chose to give up completely or you can chose to stay. If you are truly giving up at least I can say that I did everything I possibly could to save this marriage. Are you will to say that you did nothing when there was a chance to save us? I know all you did was give and love me for the past 6 years, you can't be willing to give up all of that effort, especially when there is hope. I'm so sorry if you are. You have worked so hard on this relationship, don't waste it now! Now for the mushy stuff. There are so many ways I want to show you that I love you! I want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do every day. I could tell you every second that I love you, that you are all I think about. I want to huge you everytime you come home. I want to kiss you in front of the whole world. I want to spend time with you watching movies or just cuddling. I want to go on romantic weekend getaways and trips to foreign countries. I want to see the world together. A lot of the things I want to do to show you are physical. I want to give you backrubs and foot rubs. I want to take bubble baths together. I want to make love to you under the stars. I want to take showers with you. I want to please you every way I can. I want to taste you! I want to give you please when you are driving, like I used to! A lot of what I want is listening to you voice when you talk to me. When you tell me what's on your mind. I want to know your thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears. I want to know your dreams and goals. I want to be the person you confide in. I want us to be best friends.

I know I can't fix the past and what I've put you through but I can promise you an amazing future, with me. I want to make this house a haven for you to come home to. It's what motivated me today. I've been a lousy homemaker. I know this issue isn't the most important thing I need to change but it's one of the things I can change now and know how to. The most important things I need to change is what kind of mother, wife, and stepmother I am. I have some good ideas on how to change those though they are just not going to be enough. I know what I need to start, I think. I know there is a lot more I need to change internally, I can just feel it. I want to do a complete personality makeover but where do I start? This is just one of the reasons why I need you so much! How many things do I need to change? What are they? What traits do I have that I shouldn't change? Are there any? This is why I need your help and support. I know I can ask you this and you'll answer me honestly, and because you know me so well. I want to know you as well as you know me. If I lose you I will be on empty and will have no motivation to carry on and complete these changes.

I found an old email you sent me a few years ago. I was an idiot, that email should have opened my eyes! However, in that email you wrote "I will always be here for you Natalee" and now you aren't. Now you aren't here for me at all. I know I put you through hell in the past and I'm sorry for that, but it kinda makes me think that what you have said in the past wasn't as true as it shoulda been. That this was all a waste. You have been so cold and distant lately. I know you say you are done, then why are you still here? You've seen me sob for hours about this and you don't seem to care at all. You could have at least asked what was wrong! Even a friend would do that. It's like you hate me so much that you are being cruel on purpose. Geez, I know I hurt you in the past but we are going to be in each other's lives until one of us passes away of the kids, whether you are done or not. And it's not like my cheating was recent either. I'd still give anything to take it back but I can't, I just don't understand how you went from loving me and buying a house together to hating me in a month's time. There has to be a reason for your recent change of heart!

I guess what I'm saying is that I love you with everything I have and have a million thoughts and questions about this. I could go on for many more pages. I know we can be happy again like when we were dating, on our wedding day, and for the majority of our first year of marriage. Don't give up on use yet! There is still an us until you are gone physically too. I hope you chose to save this marriage with me. No matter what know that I will always be in love with you and care about you, even if I don't like how you acting, which is kinda the case right now. We can't keep living in limbo like this. If you are truly done, which I hope your not, then you need to move out if you are going to do everything you can to save this marriage so you CAN say that you tried everything you could to save us then wake me up tonight and really talk to me or even just write me an email or letter in response. Tho I'd rather you wake me up. If you do nothing I will assume that you are moving out and I'll be served with divorce papers in the near future. If you are truly done then man up and walk away. If you're not done, which I pray is the case then I'll be waiting for you to wake me up. We just can't be living like we are, it's not fair to either of use or any of the kids. I DO love you, and can't wait for you to wake me up. I hope your ready to be loved like you deserve!

Your wife,

Natalee

Learning...

Well I didn't do anything the other nite to prepare for the birthday party like I should have. I was just so tired that I went to bed...I got up in the morning and got busy. Our party guests got here earlier than I had planned on so the house wasn't ready. I was so embarassed. I was in the middle of decluttering the messy living room floor when they all arrived. I didn't get to the dining room, entry or my bedroom in time. I was rather disapointed in myself because of it. But I put my game face on and the birthday party was a lot of fun. Nikolas loved opening his presents and eating his cake and ice cream. This taught me a good lesson that Nikolas just wants to have fun, not have a clean house so that made me feel better.

I'm kinda down about how things are going between Erek and I. I just don't get it! He avoids me at all costs, hardly says two words to me, and won't even sleep next to me. I'm going to sit down with him tomorrow and talk to him about the letter I wrote him the other day. Maybe I'll write another one tonight and have it waiting for him. I'm thinking about making a scrapbook with some love poems and such in it for him. Then I would also like to get some pictures from my MIL of Erek throughout his life and making him a scrapbook as well. I know I'm giving him the space he is asking for but for how long do I give him space. I can't just sit back and let him ignore me...that's no way to live. I know I can make him happy again and I will do everything in my power to show him that.

As far as today goes, I slept in and had a hard time waking up. I was so tired. I have since then gotten very busy. I have cleaned the entryway, 1/2 bathroom, kitchen, living room and dining room...I have also done 2 or 3 loads of laundry. It feels great having my house looking so good. I just need to do the front entryway, my bedroom, my bathroom, and the closet and the main level will be looking fantastic. I hope to have it all done before Erek gets home from work. I do have all of my shows on tonight and it's the season finales for all of them. I think I will use that time to scrapbook the love poems and quotes for Erek.

Anyway I need to serve the kids dinner, it's starting to get late. I'll post more tonight before I go to bed hopefully.

Getting ready for the birthday party

I have so much to do tonight and it's a tad...okay very...overwhelming. I have the whole upstairs and main floor to straighten and/or clean and tons of laundry to do. It's weighing me down and making it hard to get motivated. This is the part about housework that I struggle with the most. I need to start just sucking it up and doing it whether I want to or not. So I thought that would make a good blog post. By getting it all out of my head, maybe I can get motivated to get it all done. Nikolas deserves to have a birthday party in a clean house and I WILL give that to my son. I have my list made and ready to go but up first is making Andrew's bed and getting his room straightened and vacuumed. Being so pregnant makes me dread making beds and having to bend down to declutter his floor. I think that's what is holding me back the most. So how do I overcome my lack of motivation at this moment? I will start by babystepping it...I will get Andrew's room done. Andrew and Nikolas are both "sleeping" in Nikolas's room tonight. They just do not go to sleep well when sleeping in the same room. So I will have to wait on cleaning Nikolas's bedroom till tomorrow morning. His room really isn't all that bad, just needs the bed made, floor decluttered and vacuumed.

I guess what is going to motivate me is thinking about my family, Erek included of course. These boys mean the world to me and Erek works so hard for us! He deserves to come home to a clean and straightened house! I want to surprise him with that when he walks in the door tonight from work. Maybe he won't even notice and that's okay...he'll feel the difference. My husband deserves so much and I WILL give him what he needs. I know my primary love language is "acts of service" and that's how I show my love for my family. That should be enough to get my ass out of this chair and go do it, but I struggle with it so bad!

Well if I am going to truly change to become a better person/homemaker I have to start now. Not tomorrow or next week but now! I did so well this morning and I'm learning that the mornings and late evenings are my most productive times. It's just about dark out now so maybe I'll get a second wind. I wish my nesting instinct would have kicked in an hour ago! I need to get myself jump started...I need my battery recharged. I WILL do this for my kids and my husband! There's no time like the present! Here's to me becoming a better person and homemaker for my children and my wonderful husband!

Doing better on things today...

Well last nite I didn't get much cleaning done but I did get a few important things accomplished. I wrote Erek a very long and very heartfelt letter and had him read it last nite. He had been up for almost 24 hours by the time he read it so I let him get some sleep after that. It was good, definately has him thinking now I believe. So other than that I did get some laundry done, a few rooms straighten and most of the kitchen straightened. I slept on the couch last nite to allow Erek to sleep in our bed. I didn't get much sleep. I woke up about 10:30 and had to get ready for my appointment with Chris Berg. It was a good appointment and I'm set on meds for the next three months. When I got home I got busy right away. I ate breakfast, fed the cats, showered, dressed, brushed and dryed my hair, brushed my teeth, did my make up, gathered laundry, started laundry, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and then I cleaned a majority of the kid's bathroom and fed Alex some cereal and bananas. I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself for accomplishing so much! I just got done folding a load of laundry, I just need to put some of it on hangers and put it all away. I have gotten all of this done because I have decided to stay away from the computer as much as I can...especially when the kids are home and awake and when my darling husband is home. I really want a haven for a home and I was spending too much time on the computer chatting and not getting much done. My family (kids and Erek) are so important to me...more important than a machine and I need to show them that. Today I hope to get the upstairs of this house straightened and presentable, lots of laundry done, make dinner and eat with my family, give Alex a bath and get the boys to bed, then I can have my computer time. It's hard to stay away from the computer when it has become a life line, but I want my husband to be my life line. Don't get me wrong the ladies in the chatroom have helped me through the last month and a half, and I probably couldn't have done it without them. However, I'm not married to them...I'm married to Erek. I also don't want my children to think that a computer is more important to me than they are. I have to stay away from the keyboard and it's going to be hard to stay away when I've grown so used to being on there so much.

After Erek went to bed, I was laying on the couch reading, trying to get sleepy. The baby started moving like crazy. I laid down in our bed next to Erek and he put his hands on my tummy and got to feel the baby move a whole bunch. I loved having his hands on me. His touch is amazing. So gentle yet firm. He started falling asleep so I got up and went to the couch to go to sleep. He went to the kitchen to get a drink of water and then asked me if I was changing into my pajamas. I said ya I guess and went into the bedroom to change into some pajama pants. He started touching me there and you could definately tell he was aroused. I sat down next to him on the bed at this point and it was on from there. I got to make love to my husband last nite! He did say that this was just sex for him, which is fine. I'll take whatever I can get at this point. I mean that is how our relationship started was sex anyway so just maybe I can get him to start feeling something for me again. I told him it was just sex for just him and left it at that. When we were finished I laid there watching him sleep for a bit. I loved looking at his face and watching him fall into a deep sleep. He is such an amazing man...so good looking. I could stare at his face for the rest of my life! I hope I get the chance to do just that. I also put my wedding ring back on last nite and it feels like it never left my finger...it feels like it completely belongs right where it is.

He is off running some errands right now so I thought it would be a good time to jump on and update my blog here. I just hope that he is starting to see how much I love him and want to be with him for the REST of my life. I have never been so sure about my feelings before in my life! He has my heart and always will. There will be a day again when he is proud to say that I am his wife. I will win his love and trust back. I will do my damdest to prove to him each and every day that he is my world and how much I appreciate him. He's such a good man...I just don't understand how I didn't see it this way before. I know I can't fix what I've done to him in the past but I can definately look to the future and make the present enjoyable. I am not done fighting for this man...He is my heart and soul. So wish me luck on my journey of my marriage that WILL withstand this. I have faith. Fate brought this man to me for a reason and I am not doing to let fate down. There is a reason fate made this man fall in love with me in the first place and fathered my children. I will spend the rest of my days proving that fate was right!

Well I am going to leave it here and get that load of laundry hung and put away, get the upstairs done, and hopefully get started on the main level of this house. I will make this house a home and I will do it with my husband by my side!

Starting Tonight!!

There is one area I know I can improve on and that is housework. This is one thing that I can start right now. I need to become a better homemaker and I will do so. I will start with getting the massive pile of laundry done and will start at the top of the house and work my way thru each floor of this house and keep it that way. This means I need to get my ass off this computer more and get to it. I feel a cleaning spree coming on!

I did send an email to Erek, asking him to put in writing what all I need to change. He knows me better than I know myself and I really value his input and I know he'll be honest with me. I'm so unsure of how to get him back. He wants space and says that words mean nothing to him right now, which he has every right to say. How do I show him that I love him so much while giving him space. Is giving him the space he needs right now SHOWING him or will it never end I lose him completely. I realizes the chances of him working on things right now are nothing but there has to be a way to get him to see that he CAN be happy, and it CAN be with me. I see, more than anything, the error of my actions and would give anything to have a do over. I know life doesn't work like that but I would work the rest of my life to love this man every day. I don't need him to love me back right now but I would love to be able to spend more time with him so that he can see that I do truly love him and want to be with him the rest of my days!

If I can get my ass in gear maybe I can get a majority of this house and the laundry done tonight. I just pray every day that I am given the opportunity to show my love and ever lasting devotion I feel for Erek. He is my world and I cannot lose him. Well I guess I've already lost him, but he's still here physically so I'll take what I can get right now. Well I'd better make a plan on how to get this house in order tonight. That's my first goal. Babysteps!!!

What Have I Done?

How could I have been so foolish. How could I have not seen what was right in front of my eyes. I've been married for 7 years to a wonderful man...a man that I have taken for granted. I have completely destroyed this marriage. I don't blame Erek for wanting to walk away. I don't blame him for falling out of love with me...I can really and truly only blame myself. The things I have done in this relationship to him are just selfish. I was so selfish and he paid the price for my actions and lack there of. I would give anything right now to take everything back and do things differently. Lying about the smoking, cheating on him numerous times, going out every nite instead of being at home with him where I should have been. I regret not learning more about the man I love so dearly. I regret not spending more time with him. He's a wonderful man, father, and husband. I shake my head every few minutes at how stupid I was. I had the world, the love of an amazing man and I took advantage of it. He never asked for much in return and that's the part that kills me. All he wanted was me, the true me, and I couldn't even give that to him.

The last month has really made me reflect on myself. I have been so careless with such a precious thing. I really need to learn to become a different person before I will even have a chance of mending our relationship. I need to become a better wife and mother. I need to stop being so damn selfish and cold hearted. I need to let my guard down and really put myself out there for my kids and for Erek. I know I have so much to change about who I am and how I am towards other people but how do I do that. Where do I start? Do I change everything all at once...or work on one issue and then work on another. I guess the best person to ask would be Erek but he says he wants his space. I can totally understand him wanting his space. I would too if he had treated me the way I treated him. Maybe I'll ask him to turn on his messanger so he can help me on this journey. I'll let you know what he says.