Doing better on things today...

Well last nite I didn't get much cleaning done but I did get a few important things accomplished. I wrote Erek a very long and very heartfelt letter and had him read it last nite. He had been up for almost 24 hours by the time he read it so I let him get some sleep after that. It was good, definately has him thinking now I believe. So other than that I did get some laundry done, a few rooms straighten and most of the kitchen straightened. I slept on the couch last nite to allow Erek to sleep in our bed. I didn't get much sleep. I woke up about 10:30 and had to get ready for my appointment with Chris Berg. It was a good appointment and I'm set on meds for the next three months. When I got home I got busy right away. I ate breakfast, fed the cats, showered, dressed, brushed and dryed my hair, brushed my teeth, did my make up, gathered laundry, started laundry, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and then I cleaned a majority of the kid's bathroom and fed Alex some cereal and bananas. I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself for accomplishing so much! I just got done folding a load of laundry, I just need to put some of it on hangers and put it all away. I have gotten all of this done because I have decided to stay away from the computer as much as I can...especially when the kids are home and awake and when my darling husband is home. I really want a haven for a home and I was spending too much time on the computer chatting and not getting much done. My family (kids and Erek) are so important to me...more important than a machine and I need to show them that. Today I hope to get the upstairs of this house straightened and presentable, lots of laundry done, make dinner and eat with my family, give Alex a bath and get the boys to bed, then I can have my computer time. It's hard to stay away from the computer when it has become a life line, but I want my husband to be my life line. Don't get me wrong the ladies in the chatroom have helped me through the last month and a half, and I probably couldn't have done it without them. However, I'm not married to them...I'm married to Erek. I also don't want my children to think that a computer is more important to me than they are. I have to stay away from the keyboard and it's going to be hard to stay away when I've grown so used to being on there so much.

After Erek went to bed, I was laying on the couch reading, trying to get sleepy. The baby started moving like crazy. I laid down in our bed next to Erek and he put his hands on my tummy and got to feel the baby move a whole bunch. I loved having his hands on me. His touch is amazing. So gentle yet firm. He started falling asleep so I got up and went to the couch to go to sleep. He went to the kitchen to get a drink of water and then asked me if I was changing into my pajamas. I said ya I guess and went into the bedroom to change into some pajama pants. He started touching me there and you could definately tell he was aroused. I sat down next to him on the bed at this point and it was on from there. I got to make love to my husband last nite! He did say that this was just sex for him, which is fine. I'll take whatever I can get at this point. I mean that is how our relationship started was sex anyway so just maybe I can get him to start feeling something for me again. I told him it was just sex for just him and left it at that. When we were finished I laid there watching him sleep for a bit. I loved looking at his face and watching him fall into a deep sleep. He is such an amazing man...so good looking. I could stare at his face for the rest of my life! I hope I get the chance to do just that. I also put my wedding ring back on last nite and it feels like it never left my finger...it feels like it completely belongs right where it is.

He is off running some errands right now so I thought it would be a good time to jump on and update my blog here. I just hope that he is starting to see how much I love him and want to be with him for the REST of my life. I have never been so sure about my feelings before in my life! He has my heart and always will. There will be a day again when he is proud to say that I am his wife. I will win his love and trust back. I will do my damdest to prove to him each and every day that he is my world and how much I appreciate him. He's such a good man...I just don't understand how I didn't see it this way before. I know I can't fix what I've done to him in the past but I can definately look to the future and make the present enjoyable. I am not done fighting for this man...He is my heart and soul. So wish me luck on my journey of my marriage that WILL withstand this. I have faith. Fate brought this man to me for a reason and I am not doing to let fate down. There is a reason fate made this man fall in love with me in the first place and fathered my children. I will spend the rest of my days proving that fate was right!

Well I am going to leave it here and get that load of laundry hung and put away, get the upstairs done, and hopefully get started on the main level of this house. I will make this house a home and I will do it with my husband by my side!

Starting Tonight!!

There is one area I know I can improve on and that is housework. This is one thing that I can start right now. I need to become a better homemaker and I will do so. I will start with getting the massive pile of laundry done and will start at the top of the house and work my way thru each floor of this house and keep it that way. This means I need to get my ass off this computer more and get to it. I feel a cleaning spree coming on!

I did send an email to Erek, asking him to put in writing what all I need to change. He knows me better than I know myself and I really value his input and I know he'll be honest with me. I'm so unsure of how to get him back. He wants space and says that words mean nothing to him right now, which he has every right to say. How do I show him that I love him so much while giving him space. Is giving him the space he needs right now SHOWING him or will it never end I lose him completely. I realizes the chances of him working on things right now are nothing but there has to be a way to get him to see that he CAN be happy, and it CAN be with me. I see, more than anything, the error of my actions and would give anything to have a do over. I know life doesn't work like that but I would work the rest of my life to love this man every day. I don't need him to love me back right now but I would love to be able to spend more time with him so that he can see that I do truly love him and want to be with him the rest of my days!

If I can get my ass in gear maybe I can get a majority of this house and the laundry done tonight. I just pray every day that I am given the opportunity to show my love and ever lasting devotion I feel for Erek. He is my world and I cannot lose him. Well I guess I've already lost him, but he's still here physically so I'll take what I can get right now. Well I'd better make a plan on how to get this house in order tonight. That's my first goal. Babysteps!!!

What Have I Done?

How could I have been so foolish. How could I have not seen what was right in front of my eyes. I've been married for 7 years to a wonderful man...a man that I have taken for granted. I have completely destroyed this marriage. I don't blame Erek for wanting to walk away. I don't blame him for falling out of love with me...I can really and truly only blame myself. The things I have done in this relationship to him are just selfish. I was so selfish and he paid the price for my actions and lack there of. I would give anything right now to take everything back and do things differently. Lying about the smoking, cheating on him numerous times, going out every nite instead of being at home with him where I should have been. I regret not learning more about the man I love so dearly. I regret not spending more time with him. He's a wonderful man, father, and husband. I shake my head every few minutes at how stupid I was. I had the world, the love of an amazing man and I took advantage of it. He never asked for much in return and that's the part that kills me. All he wanted was me, the true me, and I couldn't even give that to him.

The last month has really made me reflect on myself. I have been so careless with such a precious thing. I really need to learn to become a different person before I will even have a chance of mending our relationship. I need to become a better wife and mother. I need to stop being so damn selfish and cold hearted. I need to let my guard down and really put myself out there for my kids and for Erek. I know I have so much to change about who I am and how I am towards other people but how do I do that. Where do I start? Do I change everything all at once...or work on one issue and then work on another. I guess the best person to ask would be Erek but he says he wants his space. I can totally understand him wanting his space. I would too if he had treated me the way I treated him. Maybe I'll ask him to turn on his messanger so he can help me on this journey. I'll let you know what he says.